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'Real talk' on marital rape

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Published On:Monday, August 17, 2009

By RUPERT MISSICK Jr

Chief Reporter

rmissick@tribunemedia.net

A disturbing window is opening into the minds of Bahamians who oppose the amendment to the Sexual Offences Act which would totally ban marital rape in the Bahamas.

It appears that men who balk at the idea believe that it is acceptable to force themselves on wives unwilling or unable to have sex. It seems they are willing to abandon the traditional role of husbands as protector and provider and don the mantle of predator.

Women who oppose this amendment either believe that being raped is an acceptable aspect of married life, an inevitability, like having to complain about your husband dropping his shirt onto the bedroom floor after he comes home from work or believe that they have no right to their own feelings as it relates to their sexual or reproductive life.

This is what it boils down to. There are no nuances. There are no shades of grey. There is no room left for interpretation. The bill seeks to give married women the same rights as their single counterparts, the ability to see their rapist brought to justice even if he is the man she married.

Those who oppose this bill believe that if he so chooses, a man should be able to "take sex", by force if need be, from the "bone of his bone and flesh of his flesh." I will throughout this article refer to opponents of this bill as proponents of marital rape because like people of my generation say, "That's real talk."

It's been disheartening listening to radio shows over the past few weeks as the debate on this bill continues. Our men have come across as brutes and our women steeped in a victimology that is inexplicable in this modern age. People have butchered, misinterpreted and misquoted the Bible to, as they see it, defend the right of a man to his wife's body. Even the radio show hosts, who should know better, defend would be rapists and postulate that the bill is being pushed by a cabal of vindictive women or a hidden homosexual agenda.

I was also disappointed listening to the recent Senate contribution that Allyson Maynard Gibson made on this matter. After listing what she described as "black and white or clearly defined areas about which there is little or no disagreement" where it would be obvious that a man has raped his wife, like doping, drugging, threatening her at gunpoint or beating her to have sex, etcetera, she suggested that "concerns arise when we are confronted with the tremendous grey areas that inevitably exist in the context of a marriage."

The good senator suggests that these grey areas may include whether the wife was really saying no, whether the husband was forcing or trying to convince his wife to have sex. She also asserts that there should be consideration as to what was the wife's motive for making the allegation of rape against her husband. The amendment, she says, should also take into consideration the children and who will support the family if the husband is sent to jail.

One can only assume Mrs Maynard-Gibson was playing the role of devil's advocate because the answers to these questions are quite direct and (as I said before) there are no shades of grey.

First of all we will rightly assume that in the case of marital rape it will be the wife making the complaint to the police so regardless of what the husband thinks, the wife knows if she was "really saying no."

She also will be painfully aware of whether she was being "convinced" or "forced" into having sex. As for the motivation behind the wife making the allegation in the first place, as with rape cases involving people who are not married, it is up to the courts to make that determination.

As for the children and who will support the family if the husband is sent to jail, surely these are matters the man should consider before he commits such a heinous act. These should not be hindrances to a victim making a complaint. Rape laws, which Mrs Maynard-Gibson marched and fought to see enforced in this country, exist for the victims of rape and do not nor should not include consideration for any other party.

Mrs Maynard-Gibson is a successful, well educated and prominent Bahamian woman. There are many women in our society would be happy to be as blessed as she is. Women in her position should take care not to offer proponents of marital rape any excuse, which they have done over this past week, to say "see even a woman of no less esteem than Allyson Maynard-Gibson has had reason to question this amendment."

In the Bahamas marital rape can only be recognised if the couple is separated or in the process of getting a divorce. If they are married and there has been no separation, spousal rape cannot occur under Bahamian law.

One of the more persistent objections to the proposed amendment is the idea that removing the ability of a man to rape his wife would severely damage the institution of marriage in the Bahamas.

Those stupid enough to make this argument chose to ignore the fact that the rape itself is severely damaging to the institution of marriage.

In a "Your Say" published in this newspaper on Wednesday, August 12, a writer by the name of "E.V" suggested that the amendment would destroy the family, because it would force a man to sweetheart or look for satisfaction elsewhere.

"When this happens and the woman files for a divorce on the grounds that the man was 'sweethearting', the courts would not consider that it was the woman who initiated the whole thing by using her body as a weapon and depriving her husband of his rights. This same man then has to pay alimony and other expenses. Why? Because he simply wanted to have sex with the woman God gave him to have sex with."

This argument is so ignorant, backward, demonic and ridiculous that if it were not repeated so many times and by so many different people it would hardly warrant a response.

If the alternative to raping the mother of your children is "seeking satisfaction elsewhere" I hardly see a problem. But there are more measured and intelligent solutions. If a husband is sexually frustrated in his marriage he can suggest counselling, or perhaps talk to his wife and ask her why she no longer seems interested in having sex. Even a trip to her personal physician may be in order.

In any event, in the "Your Say" E.V. presents himself as one seeking to preserve manhood. However, E.V. wasn't man enough to have his name printed which leads me to respect his opinion even less.

Former president of the Bar Association, Wayne Munroe while he was a panelist on Star 106.5's talk Show Generation X suggested that the amendment would be abused by vindictive Bahamian women, who, he seems to suggest, are widespread through the country.

Mr Munroe was quoted in another daily as saying: "The problem that this creates is this: All you need is for there to be dysfunction in a household and a woman to be upset at a man -- and rape does not require any trauma -- and she calls the police and says my husband raped me. You would be arrested and you would be the subject of domestic orders. And it will be your word against hers as to whether she said 'no.'"

Amendment or no amendment, if your marriage is so bad that forcing yourself on your wife is the only way you can have sex with her, you need to get a divorce. Also, if your wife is so vindictive that having sex with her feels like playing a game of Russian roulette because you don't know when she'll decide to unjustly accuse you of rape, you need to get a divorce.

Nothing is more damaging to the institution of marriage than two people who no longer want to be or who have no business being together, living in a tumultuous household creating a poisonous environment for them and their children.

Barrington Brennen, who has been a marriage and family therapist for the past 15 years has been agitating for a law like this for over a decade.

He told The Tribune that unfortunately the response to the proposed amendment is revealing a deep seated belief that women are still property.

He pointed out that it is religious rather than secular people who have the biggest problem with this amendment. These people Mr Brennen said, resort to misusing scripture in order to "brain wash" those who are ignorant.

He highlighted the case of a Bahamian woman who, after undergoing a painful surgical procedure told her husband she was unable to have sex.

This woman's husband forced himself on her and through his wife's pain, pleading and tears completed the sexual act.

Opposition or support for this act will not divide homes, but will separate real Bahamian men from the animals they may call brothers, fathers, uncles, cousins and friends.

I have a very "traditional" view of manhood which may become even more "traditional" if I'm lucky enough to be a father one day.

A man should be protector, provider, a nurturer, loving and a lover. You cannot love or be loved through force, through contempt, or through violence.

I sincerely hope that the public debate on this bill is simply just some social experiment or maybe even a political distraction and the government will have this legislation passed regardless of the nonsense out there. They have a moral and humanitarian obligation to do so.

If they fail to do this it will certainly be unforgivable and Bahamian women and all true Bahamian men who love their women should remind them harshly of their failure in 2012.

Not passing this bill will mean that men will be able to be punished for raping acquaintances, relatives, girlfriends, prostitutes, strippers and strangers, but not their wives.

It is funny how these men, and I use the term in the loosest sense of the word, believe that a complete stranger or prostitute should have more rights than the women they swore before God to love and cherish until death.

Reader Comments - 7 Total

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Posted By: leona obbrace On: 8/28/2009

Title: RE:Insight -marital rape

This is a misogynistic society. I have found that out the hard way. This amendment will change the perception of the role & worth of women in the Bahamas. It will affect the next generation more than this one. I have spent a lot of time on the streets listening to men talk to each other. I have not listened to the talk shows at all ,avoiding it because I knew what the tone would be like. The young men are being filled with hateful rhetoric about women by older men.They are listening to music that degrades females. The 'no love' attitude of the 80's is back & it targets women. This town is backward & filled with demonic influence . The treatment of women in the middle east is very similar. It is grounded in religion & tradition. Many women believe the lies that have governed them for so long they fight against any changes. The church as a whole is false. It offers no salt or light to this society. All of the attributes laid out in the bible to depict false teachers are seen in everyone of the popular religious leaders. How can they be used to sanctify anyone when they are slaves of sin?

Posted By: Schoolmate On: 8/25/2009

Title: Thank you Rupert!

A very well thought out and written article! A bit of good sense and heart amongst so much nonsense and selfishness recently.

Posted By: Voltaire On: 8/20/2009

Title: WELL SAID!!!!!

Well said, every one who commented here.

Posted By: young and passionate On: 8/20/2009

Title:

Over the past few weeks or so I have become deeply saddened by the sentiments of a large group of men in this country. The Tribune headline a few days ago read something to the effect that passing this marital rape law will create a 'NATION OF RAPISTS'. Hello Bahamas, we are there already. We are number 1 is this region. Has anyone been paying attention to the news papers, and various other news outlets? A few days ago both the Tribune and the Guardian were both littered with stories about rape. Serial rapists are on the loose, rapists in law enforcement, rapists in our schools and now it seems, rapists in our homes. I have listened very intently to all of the arguments against this bill and it has become very clear to me that many people are misconstruing the issue and for very selfish reasons. I'll be quite frank, men who do not force themselves on their wives generally will not have a problem with this law. The only people who will strongly oppose are men who are guilty of this themselves and women who have had it done to them but lack either the courage or the autonomy to condemn the act, and of course we cannot forget the political opponents of the present Government who perceive that there may be some political mileage to be won from this debate. I'll be the first to admit that being old fashioned does have its benefits but the fact remains thought that we have a lot of archaic thinkers in this country, particularly women who have been 'brainwashed' into thinking that any injustices brought against them and their children in many instances during the course of their marriage should be burried with them in the grave and never brought to light. Wake up my people! Is this the fate that older Bahamians wish to hand down to their sons and daughters? Bare in mind that this is the same mentality that has seen incest and rape of innocent children proliferated throughout the years. The numbers of reported cases are just now beginning to tell the gruesome story. I make reference to other instances of violence against children and women (who are the most affected in both groups) because it is all indicative of a very misogynistic rationale that inflicts a great many males in the Bahamas. Bullying, intimidation and outright sexism are the norm in many quarters and many injustices have been suffered by those who are most vulnerable, our women and children. The veil of silence is slowly but surely being lifted and the guilty are AFRAID!!!! And they should be for good reason because what is done in the dark will eventually come to the light. 1) Those who oppose the law because they claim that it will open the door for civil unions being on par with marriages in this country are delusional. As a young unwed Bahamian woman I'm sure I speak for the majority of my peers (18-25) when I say that marriage in the Bahamas would just about cease altogether if this 'human right' is denied us. Older and married Bahamians can argue all they like but the fact is that the institution of marriage would 'DIE' without us. WE ARE THE FUTURE, we are the chosen generation. 2) Opponents of the bill who say that this will encourage Bahamian men to sweatheart are reaching. Any woman with half a brain knows that they can work, cook, clean, juggle her babies on her hips and put out for her husband every night and many times, the husband would still cheat. Men cheat, it is what most, certainly not all but most do and no one knows a husband like his wife so if this woman knows that her husband is promiscuous and not particularly fond of using protection, when we simply take into account the rate of AIDS and HIV infection in this country, that should be grounds alone for a woman to be able to say HELL NO! Come how selfish could a man be to believe he should be able to have sex with whomever, however he chooses and his wife should never tell him no. Sounds like a sociopath to me. 3) Those who oppose this law because they claim it will lead to many 'FALSE' accusations. First of all, who are you to determine if the accusation is false or accurate? If you believe that a spouse cannot rape their spouse then of course you would call such an accusation false. Definitions of rape are in every dictionary known to man... become acquainted with one. If we used this argument then the act that is rape would have never been recognized for any group of woman. Maybe we should pass a law worldwide to ban the production/use of contraceptives because children 'might' use them. Maybe we should make it illegal for people to go onto the internet because they may misrepresent themselves. My point is there are many things we could 'NOT' do to prevent people taking advantage but we cannot afford to deny people basic rights like the right to their own bodies. 4) I cannot forget those who argue that this is against biblical law. To them I say A woman's body is not like a man's. She will not always be ready when her mate is from a biological stand point. Forcing sex on a woman when her body is not ready can cause mental and physical trauma, bruising and tearing to her genitals, regardless of whether the man inflicting the trauma is a lover or stranger. Men need to know that just because you are her husband does not mean she will not feel violated, used and objectified. She may become withdrawn and detached from you even when you are both 'willing' or not even in the act at all. If you would willingly to subject your wife to such feelings with no consideration then you too are disobeying God's law by not loving your wife as Christ loves the church or even as your own body because every man knows when his body is spent and needs food/water/rest, likewise women have the same knowledge of their own bodies. I hope for the sake of future generations that the Government passes this bill. These are serious times that we live in and whether we choose to be honest with ourselves or not there are some very disturbed sociopathic and inhumane people living among us. Normal people should not be splitting hairs over this issue, we should be protecting those who are subject to the savages that are out there.

Posted By: A. Strachan On: 8/19/2009

Title: New laws need to be comprehensive

I agree, rape is rape no matter if you are single, married, divorced or still looking. There is no debate or justification. Those opposing it would not feel that way if they were raped. For those who don’t believe it men can be raped to. What stops a woman from handcuffing her husband in play and then maliciously sodomizing him with an object.? Rape is rape no matter who does it or your status. However, I feel there are so many inadequacies in our family laws that it requires a complete overhaul rather than piece meal solutions. For example, single fathers despite biological evidence are not recognized by the courts in The Bahamas unless there is a maintenance lawsuit brought on by the mother. Think about it, the law basically says a woman can have a child completely and independently without a man! I did not know that the cloning was possible in The Bahamas. Let’s be real, the government thought they could appease certain groups not realizing they were opening Pandora’s box. Real leadership will pass laws that may not always win them support or even an election, but ultimately they will gain the respect of The Bahamian people. We will never rise as a country if leadership fails to do the right thing at the right time. How many kids have died since the seatbelt laws were repealed or not put in force because of the popular ignorant voices. The same voices that use it when they travel in foreign countries such as the U.S. I can still remember a young baby who died along with her father because the law requiring baby seats was repealed. The father was travelling with the infant in his hand. Imagine if that law was in place, that baby may have been living today. Our leaders must be strong enough to do the right thing; even it hurts them politically or we might as well go back to the British.

Posted By: nomad On: 8/18/2009

Title: sexism in the Bahamas

Thanks for this incisive analysis Rupert. I am actually happy that this debate has come up, because it has unearthed the vast chauvanism that pervades our society. Perhaps now we can defeat it. Because it is a sickening, puerile, ignorant, uneducated and embarassing display particularly by the hypocritical so called religious faction. This is only the first of many laws that MUST come into being, but most importantly and in general there is an urgent need for us to move into the 21st century in terms of our view of male-female equality. The fact is that we are a young nation emerging out of recent colonial oppression, and these are colonial laws. We cannot keep hearkening back to the 'good old days' of colonial oppression or even of the Bible. Our journey is unique, and things are not working as they are, WE NEED CHANGE!!!!!!! Women, RISE UP and take what is yours, that you have worked so hard for, all these very many years. Let no man with his misquoted Bible take away your individual sovereignty!

Posted By: Hank Ferguson On: 8/17/2009

Title: Mr.

Real Talk Indeed!!!!!

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