Published On:Thursday, March 11, 2010

Overcoming the Pain of Infidelity

By JEFFARAH GIBSON

Tribune Features Writer

FORGIVING infidelity might be the hardest thing for a spouse to ever do, especially when the inexplicable feelings of hurt and pain from the unfaithful acts are still fresh to the heart.

Pardoning this form of betrayal, is a decision the wounded spouse has to make, only when he or she is ready to let go of the past.

This issue is one that most marriages are faced with, leaving the oppressed partner with only one question "should I stay or should I go ?."

To get an answer to that, Tribune Religion spoke to Reverend Everette Brown at New Bethlehem Baptist Church who said that it is necessary to forgive, but rekindling the fire that went out, and regaining what has been lost is where the two must come to an agreeable consensus.

"As Christians it is necessary for one to forgive, since all of us sin and fall short of the glory of God. In the Bible there was a woman who committed an adulterous act and the people brought her before Jesus. Jesus then said to the people 'he who is without sin cast the first stone'. This alone tells us that neither of us are perfect so we must find it in our hearts to forgive those who have wronged us," he explained.

However there are only a few people who can actually overlook unfaithfulness. He said there are some who take a while to overcome the hurdle, and some who never come to terms with the breach in their relationship.

Freeing oneself from anguish will not be easy, but time will heal the broken heart. When one has fully forgiven and has let go of the past, Reverend Brown said those horrible stomach turning feelings will begin to diminish slowly.

After one has decided to forgive, the next thing they are left to consider is if they desire a commitment once again with their husband or wife.

"The one thing that the person must consider is if the relationship is actually worth saving, and if they do reconcile, will the wronged mate truly let go of what was done without constantly reminding their spouse of it," he said.

"If love is what brought the two together, it is my opinion that they should fight for their relationship and then start rebuilding their union by trying to regain the lost trust. So in a case of infidelity there is still hope," he told Tribune Religion.

While there is no justification for stepping out of one's marriage, Reverend Brown said that in most cases, infidelity occurs because one mate lacks "something" within the relationship.

Knowing what this issue is can sometimes affair- proof ones relationship, decreasing the chances of infidelity occurring for the second time.

"If the partners make a decision to reconcile, then each of them should get to the bottom of the infidelity and figure out what actually went wrong in the relationship. Sometimes people are not getting what they want out of the relationship and they try to seek that 'thing' somewhere else and from someone else even though that is no excuse for engaging in such a hurtful deed," he said.

After the couple have gotten to the source of the problem they both can move on and try to find solutions. If one partner felt as though enough time was not invested into the union for example then they should plan to spend adequate time together he said.

"They must remember those things that made them fall in love with one another in the beginning and implement those things once again. Doing little things like going for ice cream, or setting a nice candlelit date with each other is what they need. Once each partner feels that they are given the attention they sought in the first place their love and trust will grow once again for each other," he said.

"We are human beings, we love attention and we need to feel that we are loved and appreciated by our mate. It is my advice to couples out there to make sure that you make your spouse feel loved and appreciated. Say a few kind words to them letting them know that their efforts to make the relationship enjoyable have not gone unnoticed. Something as small as this has the power to make a difference," he said.

The one thing to remember is that all is not lost and the broken pieces of a relationship suffering from infidelity can be put back together with effort from both from both ends.