Published On:Monday, March 15, 2010

By Maggie Bain

WHEN we look in on other people's lives we may think that their life is easy and problem free. They may seem happy, have lots of friends and appear to 'have it all.' You wonder why you seem full of angst and are fearful about the future. Relationships across the board seem to cause you so much strife, even when you think everything is going smoothly. As one 'drama' simmers down another comes to the boil. Does life ever get any easier?

When you feel like this everything seems like a constant battle. No wonder people retreat to their safety nest, and only come out when they have to. They believe the solution is to interact less with people and subsequently they will incur fewer problems. They trust no one, become introverted, and hold on to their worries. Do they end up any happier? Can you really avoid problems and conflicts with others? Is that not just part and parcel of life?

As we age, and accumulate more 'life experiences', it is not uncommon to feel as if life is trying to beat us down. Yes, we may become wiser, but all too often we become a little dry and jaded. 'Cynic' becomes our middle name, although we prefer realist, and we seem to thrive on sharing our worldly experiences.

When we are clawing ourselves out of the trenches, and reflect on those difficult moments, we probably should not be surprised that they are mainly 'people conflicts.' You may not have intended for them to be confrontational, but at some point they went off course and deteriorated. It may have been talking to your teenager about his disrespectful behaviour or choosing the right time to discuss with your boss the issue of a pay raise. On the other hand, it may be finding the strength to speak up in a church group when you are the only one with opposing views.

No one likes having to initiate or be involved in thorny discussions. It is awkward, uncomfortable, and something all of us would rather avoid. It makes us feel very vulnerable, because the stakes are often high and the outcome uncertain. We dread it all the more when it is a topic close to our heart, and one that we anticipate people will oppose.

We can find ourselves spending literally hours imaging the proceedings, and role playing multiple possible scenarios; both good and bad. We even consider doing and saying nothing, because 'rocking the boat' seems an unpleasant alternative. However, as life would have it, the longer we dwell on our problems the deeper they burrow. In therapy, we know that this can have disastrous results as it is only a matter of time before they self explode.

The art of negotiating a difficult conversation must surely be a learned skill. Are there not professional negotiators for hostage situations or financial experts who wheel and deal over millions of dollars? If they have found a way to keep a cool head under pressure then why can't we?

Delicate dialogues can essentially be broken down into three areas. Debate over the actual details, the feelings involved and how this affects your identity or status. The difficulty is dealing with all these components all at the same time.

Going down the 'truth path' can be unproductive as everyone believes they are right. Two people bucking heads, and trying to push their point across, soon come to realise that they are getting nowhere. However, if we turn things around and consider them as differing perceptions, interpretations and values, then significant progress can be made. Placing blame does little to solve the problem or to move forward.

Our feelings are often influenced by our perception of the other person's intent. Almost always we reach a swift decision based on assumption. Again, discussing everyone's intentions behind their behaviour can draw some clarity and understanding to the already difficult situation. Discussing 'feelings' is definitely an art; some situations require it and some do not. Just remember if it is still keeping you up at night, then it has not been resolved.

How we see ourselves during the conversation can affect our belief in ourselves. We may be heard saying, "I don't like people seeing me that way" or "I'm becoming someone I'd rather not become." It can throw us off balance momentarily but anticipating it can make it easier.

Successfully dealing with difficult conversations is all about approach. If we continue to push our point, then dialogue crumbles. Moving towards a more inquiring stance opens the discussion, and true problem solving. Everyone feels they have contributed, been listened to, respected and a team has been formed.

You may consider practicing this method in the areas of your life that give you most difficulty. Once you see how effective it is, then try it in all areas of your life. It may not work each time, because it does require participation by the other party, but remember that is all part of the negotiation. Keep in mind that rewards of successful negotiation are infectious and long lasting.

* Listen to 'Love on the Rock' with Maggie Bain every Thursday 5-6pm on Island FM 102.9

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