Published On:Tuesday, August 31, 2010

By Maggie Bain

AS WE meander down the road towards our final destination, we continue in our quest to understand the many twists and turns of love. We start life with pure and unblemished images of our future love and life. A life filled with joy, happiness and the eternal promise of hope.

We feel secure in our memories of being suckled on our mother's breast, and the milky smell of her skin. With closed eyes, we sense that feeling of being protected and cherished. Then, once in a while we experience picture perfect recall of being the centre of attention and everyone's favourite playmate. Our hearts feel full and life feels good. Is it possible for life to continue on in such rosy optimism? Or is it inevitable that our hopefulness will be dashed at different stages of life?

For some people, no matter how hard they try; they cannot draw on any warm memories. For those who can actually recall, and have not blocked out the painful past, childhood only conjures up feelings of emptiness. Feelings of a deep hollowness that insist on sucking you back into that place of loneliness. A childhood where you feel you had little to no supervision. In fact, you learnt by trial and error, and survived by either taking the tough knocks or dodging the curve balls. Cohabiting with family who showed a coldness and lack of caring were all you knew, and thought was normal. It was only when you stood beside a parent and child who interacted with each other in such a shockingly contrasting manner, that you were shaken into a new reality.

Normalcy for some is completely foreign to another. Early exposure to sex can make a young mind mature beyond their years. Basic instincts of 'this feels good' and 'this must be love' take deep root and are hard to cut free. Advanced sexual techniques place them in the head of the class of experience and competency. Sexually self-confidant mannerisms take hold, or at least can be drawn on at short notice, and messages are relayed at lightening speed. They then become highly sought after by older predators and a cycle of repeat behaviour begins.

Once we take the time to listen to and learn where people have come from, then we can live in their shoes for a while. We begin to understand why they seem to be instinctively drawn to certain types of people. Love maps are almost tattooed into our subconscious. Even as we become aware of our own weaknesses, it may seem impossible to 'teach an old dog new tricks'. But with a conscious decision, or professional help, it is possible to hold back and be more cautious before investing heavily in a new relationship.

That may work well for those who plan and try to make conscious choices in life. For others, life just seems to 'happen' and they often find themselves heavily attached to someone who may not be good for them. Before they know it, marriage and children come along and suddenly they realise there is no 'quick way out'.

For many the relationship revolves around 'put downs', 'quick come backs or put downs', jealousy, irritable and explosive behaviour. Describing their partners as classic 'Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde' personalities seem to illustrate them perfectly. Public persona versus private becomes the norm.

Why people stay in such unhealthy relationships is always a mystery for those who would never tolerate such behaviour. 'Tolerate' is the key word because what we are used to is what we believe is normal. Unfortunately, tolerance levels usually start to escalate and behaviour moves from verbal to physical. Let us not forget sexual abuse thrown in the mix. How many times does a wife have to succumb to sexual intercourse, just to prevent an anger outburst?

As dysfunctional as this may seem, abusive love still feels like love to those involved. Love is such an abstract concept and is directly influenced by our early values. All the more reason that as parents we pay attention to our actions, and reactions of our children. How we act today, directly affects their tomorrow.

*Maggie Bain is an individual and couples relationship therapist. She is a registered nurse and a certified clinical sex therapist.

Listen to 'Love on the Rock' with Maggie Bain every Thursday 5pm-6pm on Island FM 102.9.

For appointments call 364-7230, e-mail relatebahamas@yahoo.com or visit www.relatebahamas.blogspot.com.