Week 13 Awards
The “We Couldn’t Be More ‘Us’ If We Tried” Award presented by Donald Trump’s proposed ban on the Internet - The very Detroit Lions defence played on that Hail Mary.
The “Annndddd That Just Happened…Again” Award presented by Leslie Miller and his ongoing beef with the Crisis Centre - Matt Schaub with his 843rd consecutive pick six.
The “You Think You’re Enforcing Rules, But Really It Just Kind Of Makes You Look Like a Jerk Award” Award presented by Wayne Munroe’s comments on flogging immigrants - The referee and ball boy in New Orleans that played “keep away” with the ball to prevent Cam Newton doing a post touchdown celebration. Meanwhile, Cam just wanted to give the ball to a kid in the stands.
WEEK 14
Vikings at Cardinals
SANNIE: I honestly have no clue about the ability of any of these teams, so I will choose the Cardinals because I like Cardinal cream. Makes no sense but it’s my choice, deal with it.
CARDS over Vikings
RENALDO: There was a time when Arizona State was among the top party schools in America. Now they’re not even listed in the top 20. The fall of this empire deserves an ESPN 30 for 30, but more so, the Sun Devils need a comeback. Nothing sends college students into a frenzy than a sports team winning a championship. Get it done Cardinals, ASU co-eds with their first taste of freedom need you. Contrastingly, no one has fun in Minnesota. Except Prince…Prince has lots of fun.
CARDS over Vikings
Bills at Eagles
SANNIE: The Eagles were good enough to beat the mighty Patriots, so even though the Bills have a better record, I’m going to go with the Eagles.
EAGLES over Bills
RENALDO: I barely give the Eagles any credit for last week. It took them three non-offensive touchdowns and the injury riddled Patriots doing everything wrong to win by a single score. That’s the equivalent to your boy stumbling into a bar at 2am, ending up in a 10-minute conversation with a hot girl fresh off a breakup that’s been buying shots since 11, and somehow finding himself waking up next to her the follow morning. Sure it’s still a win, but there’s no way he bags a girl like that next weekend.
BILLS over Eagles
Seahawks at Ravens
SANNIE: Russell Wilson allegedly proposed to Ciara, how exciting is that?! So now he has to win for her.
SEAHAWKS over
Ravens
RENALDO: What level of motivational speech would Ray Lewis have to give to inspire this version of the Ravens to be watchable? Somewhere between MLK’s I have a dream speech or whatever American police officers keep saying to escape conviction whenever they kill a black guy. I still don’t know if that’s strong enough to overpower Matt Schaub. That defence has nothing that can slow down Russell Wilson…unless they acquire the rights to Ciara’s celibacy within the next 72 hours.
SEAHAWKS over
Ravens
49ers at Browns
RENALDO: Getting benched for partying is understandable. Getting benched for Austin Davis is inexplicable. The only way I would continue to play Austin Davis is if Johnny Manziel stumbled on the field so drunk that he mistook the goal line for a line of cocaine and tried to snort the whole thing.
BROWNS over 49ers
SANNIE: Boy, two terrible teams, I have no clue what to do here. I will go with the 49ers even though Colin isn’t playing (when was someone going to tell me that?)
49ers over Browns
Falcons at Panthers
SANNIE: Last time I checked, Cam was still undefeated and fine.
PANTHERS over
Falcons
RENALDO: If not for the Golden State Warriors, the Panthers would be the best story in sports right? Winning is fine, or whatever but their greatest appeal is that they fundamentally ignore Roger Goodell’s attempt to sterilise the game of all exuberance and personality. By the way, the Panthers can claim playoff home field advantage throughout the playoffs this week. Forget week 14, how many of you had that happening period once Kelvin Benjamin went down.
PANTHERS over
Falcons
Washington Racial Slurs
at Bears
RENALDO: I never know who’s playing for the Bears. I’ve gone through 14 weeks of football not knowing whether Jay, Cutler, Alshon Jeffrey and Matt Forte are playing or not. About 97 per cent of that is me being horrible at journalism. The other three per cent is not caring about the Bears. I care about Washington even less.
BEARS over
Racial Slurs
SANNIE: When did Jay Cutler get so cute? Kristin is a lucky girl.
BEARS over
Racial Slurs
Steelers at Bengals
RENALDO: Division rivalry, season ending injuries all around, these teams verbalise how much they dislike each other pretty openly in the media, there’s a guy named Vontaze Burfict and Antonio Brown is humping goal posts. This script writes itself.
BENGALS over Steelers
SANNIE: The Bengals have a better record and the smart pick would be them, but I’m going to go with the Steelers.
STEELERS over
Bengals
Lions at Rams
RENALDO: Just when you thought they were making a concentrated effort not to be the Lions anymore, there goes Detroit losing in the most Lions way possible. That Hail Mary saved us from a week of hot takes on how the new front office has changed the culture” blah, blah, blah. The Rams have been outscored 58-10 the last two weeks, they can’t decide on Case Keenum and Nick Foles and Jeff Fisher recently told the St Louis Dispatch that he has run out of answers. I have an answer for you, Jim Caldwell.
RAMS over Lions
SANNIE: Both of these teams have the same sucky record so eenie meenie miney mo bring me to the Rams.
RAMS over Lions
Colts at Jaguars
SANNIE: Let’s go Andrew Luck, I need some luck these boys are catching up.
COLTS over Jaguars
RENALDO: I’m going to let her continue with the Andrew Luck thing until someone tells her he’s not playing. There was one point when Andrew Luck and TY Hilton would be the biggest draw in this game. That was before they fell all the way off (because of lacerated kidneys and other reasons) but now the only reason to watch this game is to see what Blake Bortles and Allen Robinson do. This is weird.
JAGS over Colts
Chargers at Chiefs
RENALDO: Is Alex Smith good? Does the entire football world owe him an apology? Is Colin Kaepernick rolling over in his grave? How many times do the Chiefs have to be burned by the 49ers at the quarterback position before they just keep the guy? Why are the Chargers still playing? Does LA even want them anymore? Why’d I start this segment with the intent of asking one question yet I slowly spiralled out of control?
CHIEFS over Chargers
Really, the chargers have won three games? This pick doesn’t take skill.
CHIEFS over Chargers
Saints at Buccaneers
RENALDO: I don’t have any statistical evidence to support this, I could be way off base but Drew Brees is the pettiest quarterback in the NFL. When he’s an underdog by a touchdown or more, Brees throws for an average of 325 yards and three touchdowns. Ok, I just made that up but look at the numbers. Seriously…someone else look at the numbers, I don’t really want to but it’s a feeling I have. What do you want from me? The Lions beat the Packers at home and the Eagles just beat the Patriots. Who has any idea what’s happening in this league.
SAINTS over Bucs
SANNIE: I didn’t choose Tampa Bay last week and they won , I’m sorry, I am coming home. Plus, my brother is doing me a huge favour this week and this is his thanks. Lol.
BUCS over Saints
Titans at Jets
SANNIE: And we have another team that only won three games. Yea, no way I’m choosing the Titans.
JETS over Titans
RENALDO: Brandon Marshall just became the first receiver in NFL history to record a 1,000 yard season with four different teams. Joe Philbin decided to trade Marshall away from the Dolphins after two seasons, for a pair of Chicago’s third-round picks in 2012 and 2013. Miami drafted cornerback Will Davis in 2013. Miami traded Chicago’s third-round pick in 2012 with the San Diego Chargers for their third-and sixth-round picks. The Dolphins drafted tight end Michael Egnew (third round) and receiver BJ Cunningham (sixth round). Joe Philbin now manages the new Popeyes on Prince Charles Drive.
JETS over Titans
Raiders at Broncos
SANNIE: I have had enough of this “Eddie winning and being happy” thing, no more Raiders picks for me.
BRONCOS over Raiders
RENALDO: This is the week the Brockweiler streak comes to an end. It’s not because the Raiders are better, or because the Broncos defence will fail to show up, it’s because Osweiler will be completely distracted by Peyton Manning roaming the sidelines acting out his commercials because he has nothing better to do. Sing it in the Nationwide commercial tone: “Bet-ter watch out for that blitzzz.” Man, getting old is hard.
RAIDERS over Broncos
Cowboys at Packers
RENALDO: I’d like for Matt Cassel to continue ruining the Cowboys draft stock by winning games and keeping these playoff hopes alive. Then again, he is Matt Cassel. Also, Mike McCarthy said Eddie Lacy is now “rejuvenated” based on “something [the team] handled internally. This means stopping eating as much burgers and starting eating leafy green stuff. I’ve been told it helps with exercise.
PACKERS over Cowboys
SANNIE: There is something cute about Aaron Rodgers, it’s like a weird, goofy kind of cute.
PACKERS over Cowboys
Patriots at Texans
SANNIE: The Patriots’ winning streak seems to have faded a little but I still have faith in Tom Brady, if anyone can do it, he can.
PATRIOTs over Texans
RENALDO: Under no circumstance should we give the Pats any more unnecessary fuel to add to their “us against the world narrative.” Nope. Not feeding into it. They’re fine.
PATS over Texans
Giants at Dolphins
SANNIE: I’m going anti dolphins this week, I have been a good woman picking the Dolphins but they have been messing up my winnings. Sorry, winning is more important.
GIANTS over Dolphins
RENALDO: I don’t think we realise how close the Giants were to being a good team this year. They’re 5-7 but have lost games in the closing moments and all within a single possession. They’ve lost two games by one point, two games by three, one by four and another by six. The Dolphins consider it a successful week when they don’t fire a coach of some sort. Also…my God….who covers Odell Beckham Jr?
GIANTS over Dolphins
Comments
Use the comment form below to begin a discussion about this content.
Sign in to comment
Or login with:
OpenID