Week 9 Awards
The “Old Guy That’s Out Of Touch And Losing It Award” presented by Leon Williams and BTC’s apparent WhatsApp issue - Renaldo Dorsett. I’m pretty much done trying to use actual football knowledge when trying to decide these picks. Three wins is rock bottom. We have arrived at the point where my family thought it best to host an intervention when they found out. I’m no longer allowed to speak about football with any preconceived notion that I have more than a bare minimal knowledge of the sport. The only way to dig myself out of this hole is to adopt the PLS (Pick Like Sannie) approach. Readers, gamblers, football enthusiasts, adopt the #PLS strategy if you want to save yourself some time and money for the remainder of this ridiculous NFL season. Strategy, win/loss records, touchdowns, game planning, matchups ... none of it matters. Pick Like Sannie. It’s the only way to make it out of this thing alive.
Week 10 - #PLS Edition
There’s only one thing left for me to do - Pick Like Sannie
Bills at Jets
RENALDO: This is a difficult choice. On one hand, every occasion is suitable for Buffalo wings. Whether I’m at a five-star restaurant or a roadside takeaway, it’s a safe bet that I’m going for the Buffalo wings. On the other hand, I had tons of toy jets when I was a kid. In the event of a tie we go to better uniforms. Both teams with reinvented retros but the Bills have more matchable sneakers in their colourway.
BILLS over Jets
SANNIE: I am in a New York State of mind! Counting down the days until I hit the Big Apple, only a few months away.
JETS over Bills
Jaguars at Ravens
RENALDO: I played flag football for a Ravens team for about five years so the name means a lot to me. Our teams were healthier than this Ravens team though. Also, everything that cartoons have taught me over the past 30 years have set the precedence that cats are the predators and birds are prey (see Sylvester and Tweety).
JAGS over Ravens
SANNIE: So according to Google, these teams have the same stats (2-6), so they are both terrible. So I am going to choose this one for sentimental reasons and dedicate this pick to the Ravens Flag football team that a certain sports columnist used to play quarterback for.
RAVENS over Jaguars
Browns at Steelers
RENALDO: I think the Browns made a mistake not changing their uniform when they came back to the NFL. What’s a Brown anyway? Is this a racial thing? Do they mean people? If so, on behalf of brown people everywhere thank you, but we deserve a better team.
STEELERS over Browns
SANNIE: Even though the Steelers almost let the Ravens beat them last week, I promised I would never pick the Browns again, so the Steelers have this chance to make it up to me for almost making Eddie happy.
STEELERS over Browns
Panthers at Titans
RENALDO: Cam Newton is winning with Colin Kaepernick’s numbers, yet Newton deserves a spot in the MVP consideration. On second thought, that was too football heavy. Cam’s most visible endorsement deal right now is with Dannon Oikos Triple Zero Yogurt, the last commercial I saw Mariota in was for Hawaii-based Island Insurance Company.
PANTHERS over Titans
SANNIE: Really? Is this even a question? The Panthers are undefeated and Cam Newton.
PANTHERS over Titans
Bears at Rams
RENALDO: Todd Gurley’s name sounds soft, Jay Cutler’s name sounds hard (pause). It can’t be that simple, so I’ll go the opposite way of my first thought. #PLS … its fascinating
RAMS over Bears
SANNIE: I am dedicating this pick to the students at the University of Missouri, who stood their ground in the fight against racism and sparked change.
RAMS over Bears
Cowboys at Buccaneers
RENALDO: Two of the better road trip destinations of my illustrious collegiate career.
No state other than California should ever challenge Texas when it comes to hottest co-eds. That one time at Gasparilla Festival around the University of Tampa. Let’s just say Tampa has its moments.
BUCS over Cowboys
SANNIE: Ok I’m back on team Bucs for my brother and a co-worker who keeps begging me to choose the Bucs (because they know I have the Midas touch).
BUCS over Cowboys
Lions at Packers
RENALDO: The Lions already have the odds stacked against them so we don’t need to go to the “hottest girlfriend” corollary. If we did though, Olivia Munn would beat everyone and the Packers would win every week.
PACKERS over Lions
SANNIE: Have the Lions really only won one game? Are people still choosing them? They have fans? This is sad.
PACKERS over Lions
Dolphins at Eagles
RENALDO: The Dan Campbell era is buried beneath the rubble of my hopes and dreams for NFL relevance. Those two weeks of belief were like a whirlwind romance on Spring Break. They’ll never be able to take that away from us ... but it’s over now. It’s like being back to class and we’re on the back end of the spring semester. Just
EAGLES over Dolphins
SANNIE: I’m going to be a good woman this week and choose the Dolphins. It doesn’t matter if they lose, I can give them this one, I am kicking these boys’ butts anyway.
DOLPHINS over Eagles
Saints at Washington
RENALDO: I’m not picking Washington until they decide to change their racial slur of a mascot name. Also, we’re a Christian nation … my mom keeps telling me (murder count record be damned), so the Saints get the nod.
SAINTS over Washington
SANNIE: Even though Drew Brees isn’t exactly the best looking, the rest of the roster is pretty cute, definitely cuter than Washington.
SAINTS over Washington
Vikings at Raiders
RENALDO: Derek Carr’s wife - Heather Carr. I want nothing but to see that woman happy
RAIDERS at Vikings
SANNIE: Eddie has been having a pretty bad week, with the station and all the theft and electricity problems, so I’m going to be nice and choose the Raiders. He needs a win right now. The Raiders better come through for me, for me. I mean for him.
RAIDERS over Vikings
Chiefs at Broncos
RENALDO: I heard the altitude in Denver makes a big difference. Everyone should have that advantage. I’m buying one of those altitude masks so I can walk around the gym looking like Bane and reaching maximum Denver advantage. Peyton Manning sat out practice with a sore foot and his quick rehab can only be aided by the biggest advantage in Colorado - marijuana legalisation. This has nothing to do with football and it’s awesome.
BRONCOS over Chiefs
SANNIE: Come on, of course I am going to chose Peyton Manning. That’s one of the names I keep hearing about, and they only lost one game so that obviously means something.
BRONCOS over Chiefs
Patriots at Giants
RENALDO: Eli can only beat the Patriots in the Superbowl when everyone’s watching. Who cares about the regular season anyway?
PATS over Giants
SANNIE: The Patriots are undefeated, Tom Brady has been kicking butt and taking names. He is becoming one of my favourite people, and he is cute so that always helps.
PATS over Giants
Cardinals at Seahawks
RENADO: I saw the pictures from that Russell Wilson/Ciara vacation. There is no way I will ever trust a man that lies next to that woman in bed every night and just goes to sleep. That’s the sort of decision making that leads to interceptions on the goal line in the biggest game of the year.
CARDS over Seahawks
SANNIE: Russell Wilson and Ciara just came off the best vacation ever, I hope he is well rested and ready to work. I just love them two.
SEAHAWKS over Cards
Texans at Bengals
RENALDO: The Bengals have not lost a game yet this season. Most people credit this with the play of Andy Dalton, on pace for an MVP calibre season. I credit this to the support of Katherine Webb. AJ McCarron may never get into a a game, but he’s already won at life. The Bengals will follow suit.
BENGALS over Texans
SANNIE: Wow, the Bengals are also undefeated. I have never even heard of a Bengal fan but I am sure they will have many after what they have been doing.
BENGALS over Texans
Comments
Use the comment form below to begin a discussion about this content.
Sign in to comment
Or login with:
OpenID