Published On:Tuesday, September 29, 2009

By MAGGIE BAIN

'ARE you happy with your sex life?' is an interesting question that can lead to a revealing discussion, or an embarrassing silence. Some of us may be lucky enough to be asked such a question by our partners, because they are concerned about fulfilling our needs and happiness.

Others, may only be able to pose such a question to someone not so close to their heart. In this way, they are able to collect information then privately analyse and digest the facts. Comparing themselves to others highlights something that has gone or is going off course. It shows a discontentment or dissatisfaction within their lives. It may be the sexual intimacy causing the unsettledness, or perhaps other areas of life together, which is then compounded in the bedroom.

There is no doubt that marriage and long term partnerships can lead to complacency and a mundane erotic life. Day to day living together, and witnessing even basic hygiene requirements, can certainly dampen any exotic fantasy thoughts. Many people let this get in the way of channeling their thoughts to ensure passion and intensity are maintained. Negative thoughts can wiggle their way into our conscious and unconscious mind and distract us from the core of our well being. Letting the small things affect our sex life will mean that bigger, and more corrosive things, can enter.

If you know you are distracted by unfinished housework, or children who need to be dealt with, then work out a plan to ensure that sex is still a priority. This may require both of you working together to complete tasks, choosing a different time, or actually booking each other for date nights. When life is so busy we worry about spontaneity when in reality scheduling intimate time can be just as erotic. The anticipation of a specific time together produces romantic thoughts and increases arousal. The reward is even more precious and appreciated.

When we do feel unsettled, for what ever reason, we become acutely aware that our world appears consumed by everything to do with sex. Media have endless talk shows, music videos, romantic and erotic movies. Everyone appears sexually charged and procreation seems paramount on people's minds. How much is enough? How much is too little? Why aren't we like other people? What is wrong with me? Society has got a lot to answer for when it comes to expectations and performance anxiety.

Why does having sex sometimes seem so difficult when it supposed to be so natural? If sexual intercourse is ultimately what people want then why isn't it enough? Why, if we have been together for years, do we feel we have to walk on egg shells to accommodate our partner?

Few would argue that the basis for a long lasting loving relationship is respect, commitment, trust and love. How to achieve this is often the question. Without a doubt they are only achieved with good communication. The earlier this is established then the easier it is to deal with problems in the future. One would think the longer we are with someone the easier it gets, but for many the worry of rocking the boat overshadows everything.

The word 'communication' is branded around so freely that it is often trivialised. The magic key to unlocking this is to become a great listener. Giving someone your full attention tells them that you are their priority. What you have to say, and the emotions that your words convey, tells them your innermost thoughts and feelings. Why do we feel we can tell one person an outline of a story and yet we open up and talk at length to another? By allowing a person to talk, we let them know we care and are interested. If the connection is strong then we feel we can count on the listener for their trust and acceptance. This atmosphere then allows us to open and express ourselves. Things flow back and forth and the relationship feels natural and unforced.

If we try hard to achieve this level of relating then all areas of intimacy develop.

You will want to spend more time together and share all aspects of your life. Nurturing this free flowing relationship will then result in a richer sexual life. Likes, dislikes, and even fantasies can be safely discussed. There are no boundaries to discussion and we feel liberated. A safe playground for sexual discussion is built and an understanding that both person's happiness and needs are considered. We no longer have to second guess our partner's thoughts. Negative thoughts are removed and replaced by warm and loving thoughts.

For those who are very happy with your sex life there is usually no need for outside discussion. They find that few want to hear they are satisfied because so many struggle to find sexual happiness. However, you may recognise your self in this discussion and wonder how you got to this point. Be reassured you are not alone. If you are dissatisfied with your sex life then do something about it. If you are not quickly rescued then you will continue to veer away from each other. If this has been going on for a long time then you may not know where to begin. Get professional help and learn how to nurture those loving feelings.

* Margaret Bain is an Individual and Couples Relationship Therapist. She is a Registered Nurse and a Certified Clinical Sex Therapist. Call for an appointment- Relate Bahamas at 364- 7230, or email relatebahamas@yahoo.com. She is also available for speaking engagements.