The Tribune

By ALICIA WALLACE

RELATIONSHIPS, with family members, friends, coworkers, and community members, all require work. We have to be able to listen to one another, have a certain level of mutual trust, and engage one another with respect. Even with the best intentions of all parties, difficult situations arise. Someone does not do what they said they would do, someone does something badly, someone makes a mistake, someone has an outsized reaction to something, someone fails to communicate clearly..

These don’t automatically result in the breakdown of relationships, but failing to address them clearly, directly, and early certainly can.

Here are seven steps to having difficult conversations.

1. Choose an appropriate time and place. In the middle of a family dinner, at the height of frustration, and in the presence of an audience are usually not times and places that are conducive to raising and resolving issues. The goal of the conversation is not to embarrass or belittle the other party. It is to openly and respectfully share your experience and seek actions for repair and/or continued relationship.

2. Prepare the other party. No one wants to be caught off guard with a serious conversation that can bring up a variety of emotions. It can be especially difficult to process another party’s feedback without knowing it is going to be given. Provide the other party the opportunity to consider what occurred, what could have been different, what they would like to change, and what they need from you. Help them to come to the conversation prepared to both listen to you and share their own reflections and the actions they are prepared to take.

3. Start from a place of shared understanding. While it may be tempting to launch into the issues that are at the front of your mind, begin by acknowledging the relationship you have, the effort that has been thus far, and the importance of keep communication open and the connection in tact. You may say, “It has been great working with you on this project and seeing your passion for graphic design,” or “I know how much effort you have been putting into finding a better balance in household duties.” Remember that you are not say this to be nice. You are speaking the truth and setting a positive foundation for the conversation to reduce the defensiveness of the other party and remind yourself of the purpose of the conversation.

4. Identify the core issues. It can be helpful to write down the incidents and make connections between them, identifying the common factors. The list does not and, in fact, should not be long. It should be clear and targeted, enabling you to focus on what needs to be addressed without getting bogged down in details and/or a series of smaller matters. You do not need to rehash events. You need to be clear, for yourself, on the critical issue that needs to be addressed. Determine this before inviting the other party to the conversation, and keep it in mind throughout the conversation. You need to stick to this issue, regardless of the other matters that may come to mind, in order to keep the conversation on track and avoid overwhelming the other party.

5. Speak from your own experience. Make personal statements about your observations. “I noticed that” and “I feel as though” can be good starts. It may be tempting to immediately make assumptions and accusations, and you may want to assign blame, but this would not help you in getting to a place of understanding with the other party. It is a great to say exactly what happened, as you experienced it, and most effective to withhold judgment.

6. Invite their participation in the conversation. Though you initiate the conversation, it does not need to be dominated by you. This is a good opportunity to gain further insight into the behavior of the other party. Rather than asserting your own theories, create space for them to share their perspectives. Asking “Why do you do that?” can be too pointed and cause retreat or a defensive reaction. “I wonder if” or “How can we” can be more helpful starts, showing curiosity and willingness to think and work together. When they speak, practice active listening. Indicate that you are listening with verbal and visual cues. Make it clear when you agree with them. Maintain eye contact. Be thoughtful in your responses to their feedback.

7. Offer options for moving forward. One of the most important aspects of difficult conversations is making the transition to the resolution. Before starting the conversation, think about your intended outcomes, reasonable requests you can make, and support that you can offer. Given what you and the other party have shared, you may need to make adjustments. Offer your ideas, and invite the other party to do the same.

Recommendations:

* Join Feminist Book Club. Hosted by Equality Bahamas and Poinciana Paper Press, Feminist Book Club is reading These Heathens by Mia McKenzie. The publisher says it is “a funny, poignant story about Black women’s obligations and ambitions, what we owe to ourselves, and the transformative power of leaving your bubble, even for just one chaotic weekend.” Feminist Book Club will meet at Poinciana Paper Press, 12 Parkgate Road on August 19 at 6pm to discuss the book. In her review, Author Roxane Gay said “There is a lot to love in We Heathens, set in 1960s Georgia. Mia McKenzie captures the voice of Doris, her protagonist beautifully as a young woman who rarely gets to make decisions for herself and when a beloved teacher takes Doris to Atlanta for an abortion, she starts to realize she can make her world bigger on her own terms if only she will allow herself. What I really enjoyed was how much this novel centered women in a time when women’s choices were often constrained by so many factors beyond their control. There is a depth of character to the principals that makes it easy to lose yourself in these words.” Register to join Feminist Book Club: tiny.cc/fbc2026.

  * Paper & Pour is “a relaxed summer afternoon of art, books, and matcha” at TERN Gallery, Mahogany Hill, Western Road. It begins with a book swap. So show up with gently used books and get ready to browse the books others bring. There is no limit to the number of books you can add to the pile, and no limit to the number of books you can take away with you. This is a great way to refresh your bookshelves. Mark your calendar—August 1, 11am to 3pm. Email info@terngallery.com for more information.