The Tribune

IT’S no secret that many marriages in the Bahamas suffer from one or both partners acquiring a “sweetheart” on the side.

The term “sweetheart” has been accepted for many years now as a euphemism for a much more painful and destructive problem – cheating.

Sweethearting has been the cause for divorces, numerous ‘outside children’, broken homes and even murder.

In fact, the issue has become an accepted motive behind violent crimes to such a degree that people, upon hearing there has been another murder, often speculate that it must have either been “drugs or sweethearting” that led to the crime.

But why is cheating so prevalent and what can be done to mitigate against a problem that is tearing families apart and sometimes even claiming the lives of its victims?

While cheating is certainly not limited to one gender, it appears that statistically speaking more Bahamian men than women are “stepping out” on their marriages.

“I think it’s almost become traditional, for lack of a better word,” said Sheena, a mother of four who has been married for 23 years.

“Some men, I feel, think it is their right to have more than one woman. I’m not quite sure where that idea came from, but it seems almost like it’s a question of masculinity; like you’re not a real man unless you have a little something on the side.”

Angelica, a 36-year-old mother of two who has been married for eight years, said she hopes the sweethearting phenomenon is something older generations accepted, but younger couples can find a way to eliminate.

“Here’s the thing, I think in the past people tended to get married very, very young – before they were able to ‘sow their wild oats’. So naturally, if you’ve been married since your late teens or early 20s, you didn’t really have the chance to experience everything and everyone you might have wanted to. Then, later in life, you realise you and your spouse might not have that certain spark, that beyond youthful infatuation, you may not have that much sexual chemistry, and you go looking for someone you do have it with.”

Elaine, a newlywed, hopes her and her husband won’t have the same problems with cheating that her parents and other relatives had.

“I think the problem stems from the fact that men sometimes put their wives on this pedestal. She is ‘the wife’ and the other woman is the one you can explore all your needs with and have fun with. I think with younger couples it’s a bit different, at least I want to believe that is the case,” she said.

“I think younger couples are getting married later in life; they get a chance to date and experiment before settling down with the right person. Younger couples are also much more open with each other and can discuss these things. I remember my mother would always be horrified to speak about certain things with my father; there was a real lack of communication.

“Also, I believe educated younger women won’t up put with that foolishness anymore. He sweethearts, he’s out,” she said.

Patrice is unforgiving when it comes to the opposite sex.

A mother of two who has been married for 12 years, she puts most of the sweethearting problems squarely at the feet of men.

“It’s like some men are like little children; they have not grown up and learned to control their impulses. They don’t respect the women they’re with enough to not betray and lie to them on a constant basis,” she said.

“They simply see someone they want and go for it; no second thought is given to the consequences or the pain they cause. Actually, the opposite is the case. So many men I know brag about having multiple sweethearts who have given them multiple children. And all it causes is confusion and pain. Who is who’s daddy? Which child is the preferred one? The one by the wife or the one by the sweetheart. It’s a mess.”

Speaking from a male perspective, Anthony said that although he doesn’t deny that many married men of his acquaintance cheat, he feels that the wives are increasingly getting their own back by getting sweethearts of their own.

“Instead of really solving the problem, both partners are now sweethearting. Up until now, often you would have the wife, who maybe felt that she can accept her husband cheating as long as he paid the mortgage, the kids’ school fees and still had money to give her for a shopping trip. But now, more and more women feel, ‘if he has a sweetheart, then so will I’,” he said.

Milo, a divorcee with an adult son, said his view might be controversial, but he places a lot of the blame on the women who are willing to have affairs with married men.

“Sadly, in our society, so many women feel the only chance they have at a better life is to get a man with a good job and money. There aren’t that many of that kind around, so they go for the already taken ones.

The man having a family and a home is even a turn-on, because it shows he has it together; he’s successful. And of course these women always want to believe they can give the man something his wife can’t and that he will eventually leave his wife. Yes, the men are also at fault, but these women are home wreckers,” Milo said.

Janielle said that she doesn’t think that sweethearting will disappear any time soon.

“Unless the churches really preach against it and mean it, or people see it as an unforgiveable taboo and not a joke or the normal state of affairs, nothing will ever change,” she said.