By RENALDO DORSETT
Sports Reporter
rdorsett@tribunemedia.net
Week 2 Awards
The “The Movie Outtakes Masquerading As An NFL Game” award presented by the prison guard team from The Longest Yard - The Buffalo Bills Defence. Whatever the amount of time was that the Dolphins spent recovering and nursing their injuries this week, it wasn’t enough.
The “I’m Just Here Waiting On This New Madden Update Award” presented by Dez Bryant - Antonio Gates for the flashback three touchdown performance against the Seahawks. If they can update the roster just to remove Ray Rice, Gates can lobby to be bumped up to a 95 after that game, can’t he?
The “You had Your Shot, You’re Just Not The Guy” presented by - Toby Gerhart. He toiled for years behind Adrian Peterson until the Jags finally gave him the opportunity to be a “bell-cow” back. Gerhart has responded with the worst running grade of any player through the first two weeks of the season. He finished with seven carries for eight yards Sunday.
Week 2 Results
Renaldo: 8-8 (18-14, .563)
Sannie: 8-8 (16-16, .500)
WEEK 3
Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Atlanta Falcons
The most consistently fluctuating divison in football will once again have another team at the top at the end of the season. Unfortunately for both these teams...this year it’ll be the Panthers.
FALCONS over Bucs
SANNIE: Real Housewives of Atlanta (my favouritist show EVER) is coming back for season 7. YAY! And one of the main stars NeNe Leakes also got a major role on Broadway. If that isn’t good Karma for the Falcons then I don’t know what is.
FALCONS over Bucs
San Diego Chargers at Buffalo Bills
Two weeks in and I can’t think of one single thing that has been more surprising or impressive than the Bills defence or the Chargers dismantling of the champs.
Either it’s the best throwback uniforms in the league finally paying off or the Lions simply quit on Jim Schwartz last season because he’s apparently recreated the ‘85 Bears defence in Buffalo. One thing is for certain, there is going to be a made-for-TV Disney movie about this whole thing. Something weird is going on in upstate New York and we may not know exactly what it is until Michael Bay finishes the screenplay. By the way, I would cast Wood Harris as a mercurial EJ Manuel and MIchael B. Jordan as Sammy Watkins. Who wouldn’t watch this movie? Phillip Rivers...he’s an angry gentleman.
BILLS over Chargers
SANNIE: Buffalo Wild Wings…best wings I ever tasted! That is good enough for me.
BILLS over Chargers
Baltimore Ravens at Cleveland Browns
Is this rivalry still a rivalry? Do people in Baltimore still have a hatred and vitriol for the Modell family only reserved for House Lannister? Did Brian Hoyer bury the “Manziel Package” (pause) by beating Drew Brees head to head? Is every sports talk radio show in Cleveland just waiting for Terrence West to have a letdown game, giving them a valid reason to play Bernie Mac’s “Wake Up Mr West!” line from the Late Registration intro?
RAVENS over Browns
SANNIE: I am not buying that “we didn’t see the entire video” crap the owners of the Ravens trying to sell about Ray Rice. They knew he beat that woman and they kept him. DISGUSTING!
BROWNS over Ravens
Tennessee Titans at Cincinnati Bengals
The Bengals have allowed 26 points in two weeks. That’s the kind of defence that will cause everyone to forget that there was even a problem with Andy Dalton’s contract.
BENGALS over Titans
SANNIE: A J McCarron got married to his beautiful new wife a couple days ago and even though she totally stole my colours for my future wedding, they both looked gorgeous and happy! I just love weddings!
BENGALS over Titans
Dallas Cowboys at St Louis Rams
I will watch this game for one sole reason, my fantasy livelihood depends on the surgically repaired back and questionable decision making of Tony Romo. Having to rely on Tony Romo is one of the cardinal sins of fantasy football. It’s right up there alongside “Never trust Darren McFadden, and start any defence that’s playing against the Rams.” There’s no way I can watch what happens, it’s too nerve wrecking. I just got charged with diffusing a nuclear bomb with 10 seconds left on the timer. I can only hope that DeMarco Murray runs for 150 yards again to relieve the pressure. Also...Michael Sam - there, I said it.
COWBOYS over Rams
SANNIE: The best thing Miles Austin could have done was stop dating Kim Kardashian and even though Kayne just called him out in a song, Miles is the one who truly won, he got to leave Dallas.
RAMS over Cowboys
Green Bay Packers at Detroit Lions
Two very good teams. Two similar styles. Possible NFC playoff matchup. Here’s what separates them...the difference between Jay-Z and Lil Wayne. The Packers are like Jay-Z: with them on the schedule you know what you’re getting. The method’s been tested, it’s won a championship but now we just spend most of our time wondering, after seeing them do it for so long how much longer can they function at the time. The Lions are more like Lil Wayne because they have much of the same skillset. They’re building a reputation to point where you expect greatness in just about every effort but they were still one or two elements away from the top. Insert Drake (In the Lions’ case, the Reggie Bush/Mikel Leshoure combination bringing a running game) and you have the final motivating piece to take the division’s throne.
LIONS over Packers
SANNIE: Wait…the Packers have a player named HaHa Clinton-Dix? People really call him that? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA (see what I did there).
PACKERS over Lions
Houston Texans at New York Giants
Bold Prediction: Eli will wake up early Sunday morning, look down at his feet and force himself to wiggle his big toe (see Uma Thurman post hospital scene in Kill Bill). His toe will move, he will remember how to use his feet. He will remember how to run. He will remember how to throw. He will remember how to read defences. He will remember the before time, the long long ago, when he was a top tier quarterback and when the “Is Eli better than Peyton” argument was a legit thing. Either this happens or we’re looking at the beginning of the Ryan Nassib era.
GIANTS over Texans
SANNIE: Ya’ll hear King B may be pregnant with baby #2? I mean, that has nothing do with the Texans other than the fact that she was born in Houston and that is good enough for me.
TEXANS over Giants
Indianapolis Colts at Jacksonville Jaguars
If the good people of Jacksonville, Florida have any business acumen whatsoever, the crowd at Everbank Field this weekend will be covered in “I’m Just Here to Start the Blake Bortles Chant” t-shirts. I’m willing to take bets on this as well. My guess is the Bortles-era begins midway through the third quarter.
COLTS over Jags
SANNIE: I really just “eenie meenie miney mo’d” this one. No logic here.
JAGS over Colts
Minnesota Vikings at New Orleans Saints
If I pick the Saints three times in a row I am fully confident I’ll get at least one right. Also, the list of people that have given up on the Minnesota Vikings without Adrian Peterson has grown to EVERY SINGLE VIKINGS FAN. The only thing that saves that franchise right now is rolling the dice on Teddy Bridgewater and hoping for the best.
SAINTS over Vikings
SANNIE: I think it sucks that they aren’t letting Adrian Peterson play because of the alleged abuse allegations. I mean seriously, which one of us didn’t get spanked as a kid?
VIKINGS over Saints
Oakland Raiders at New England Patriots
Charles Woodson bluntly said “we suck” but players by-and-large have supported head coach Dennis Allen, which brought about two thoughts? What in the world did an awful coach like Allen do to earn their trust and in what situation would underlings vouch for someone so terrible at leading them? He’s 8-26 in two plus years at the helm in Oakland. Stephon Marbury didn’t vouch for Isaiah Thomas, Spiro T Agnew didn’t vouch for Nixon, I won’t vouch for Sannie.
PATS over Raiders
SANNIE: Nope. Still never choosing the Raiders
PATS over Raiders
Washington No Nicknames at Philadelphia Eagles
As if Washington hasn’t built up enough bad karma by refusing to change their mascot, the NFL uniform police reportedly told RG3 to remove his “Know Jesus, Know Peace” T-shirt for the post game press conference last weekend. Is Alfred Morris the only good thing about this franchise at this point?
EAGLES over Washington
SANNIE: So I was a little hard on LeSean last week about his 20-cent tip but that was before it was revealed that the service was terrible. That is totally something I would do and in fact, have done. So this week is for you LeSean.
EAGLES over Redskins
San Francisco 49ers at Arizona Cardinals
The second half meltdown against the Bears was ugly, there’s no getting around that. But it won’t be half as ugly as Drew Stanton will look against a defence that’s NOT the Giants.
NINERS over Cards
SANNIE: I was just looking at some old pictures from my time in San Fransisco, I was so cute and young and THIN. Geesh. Good times San Fran, I must go back. Great city.”
NINERS over Cards
Denver Broncos at Seattle Seahawks
Peyton Manning vs. Kam Chancellor. Bold Prediction: Manning will go to the line and make six audibles in 20 seconds. In an effort to match his cunning, Chancellor changes the defence six times, which turns out to be five times too many, just as Manning planned. Emmanuel Saunders comes up wide open for a touchdown and the Broncos rinse, lather and repeat for seven scores. It’s how the Super Bowl might have gone if that first snap didn’t snowball into the least entertaining football avalanche of all time.
BRONCOS at Seahawks
SANNIE: Ummm, is Richard Sherman ever happy? Why does he always look like he is about to kill someone? No thanks!
BRONCOS over Seahawks
Kansas City Chiefs at Miami Dolphins
I wasn’t able to talk about it until Tuesday. It was that vexing. There was no search for rationalisation, there was no silver lining, just an empty feeling - like a girl you sent a great breezy hello message to on Faceook responded with a single word answer, then the next time you saw her out she doesn’t even make eye contact. It was that bad. Then I realised, the only way it would be tough for the Dolphins and their fans to get over last week’s meltdown is if they actually expected to be a great team penciled in to contend for a championship. If they know that they were an overachieving 9-7 team last year and expected to do even worse this year because of the schedule…then they should have gotten over it all by now. If you do believe this team was made to contend, then the ‘Fins have reached a must win situation. It’s easy to rationalise the loss to to the Bills, but without Moreno for the near future, a loss this week against the “Charles-less” Chiefs might mean the Dolphins will need a bigger excuse at the end of the season.
DOLPHINS over Chiefs
SANNIE: Hey Renaldo, still not choosing Dolphins!
CHIEFS over Dolphins
Pittsburgh Steelers at Carolina Panthers
They’re penciled in for at least three touchdowns and their defence forcing three turnovers and five sacks from the opening kick. They kept Calvin Johnson out of the end-zone a week after he made us believe Megatron is more than a nickname, but he might actually be a Transformer. Their quarterback could be the face of the NFL sooner than you think. Their tight end is certifiably insane.Their defence will score more touchdowns than the offence of at least three teams. The Panthers are allowing 4.6 fewer points and 7.7 fewer yards than last year’s team. They have four more sacks (7) now than they had after two games last season, and that unit led the league with 60. They have twice as many forced turnovers (6) from a team that finished tied for sixth with 30. All of this without their best player, defensive end Greg Hardy. These are your 2014-15 New Orleans Saints, know them, love them...they’ll be here for a while.
PANTHERS over Steelers
SANNIE: I just saw a picture of the eyeblack stuff Greg Hardy wears on his face when he plays. He looks worse than someone who commits domestic violence, he looks like a serial killer.
STEELERS over Panthers
Chicago Bears at New York Jets
Only the Jets could have found a way to lose that game against the Packers. Well that’s not entirely true. The Rams, Bucs, Giants and Raiders all would have found a way to lose that game...but the Jets did it with a special kind of putridity. Only that coaching staff could take away their own possible game winning touchdown.
BEARS over Jets
SANNIE: I’ll take New York over Chicago any day.
JETS over Bears
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