The Tribune

By DR IAN BETHELL-BENNETT

SOCIETIES create ideals of what men and women should be, how they should behave, what they should wear, and these ideals become almost like laws.

These are referred to as cultural norms.

We say that men must be strong and have deep voices if they are masculine. There is a difference between male and masculine. To be male is a biological function and determined by chromosomes and hormones; to be masculine is a cultural function that is established along a gendered continuum, male on one end, female at the other end.

So societies endow people with behaviour they admire and wish to see replicated across the population. Men are all equal, but if a society determines that men who are short are more attractive, more masculine men, then taller men are less attractive simply through the social norms and desires created.

If a man is tender, soft spoken and looks after his children in some societies, he is seen as a good man. In other societies if a man is rough spoken, abrasive, cold, distant, aloof and domineering, he is seen as a good man.

In the community we create an expectation in women that they want alpha men; they want men who dominate. It is interesting that a radio talk show discussed a similar topic as this related to women in the church. It seems that church women are attracted to the same kind of men as women who are not in the church, the only difference being that church women find their men in church.

This is meant to mean that they are safe, good men, not likely to stray, and certainly “Christian”.

All of these are good qualities, but they often hide another darker side. This relationship between church women and “the Church” is especially troubling when it comes to how it is formed.

Women are usually in subordination to the leading man. It usually involves adoration of the top man, who is usually strong, dominant, charismatic, and directs, but is married and has a family, but interested in the adoration. Young women are told that this is the kind of man they should want. But have we sat down and examined what kind of man he actually is? Have we seen his other side?

There are few differences between these men in the church and the same dominant character outside of the church. But we create these alpha men because that is what we understand masculinity to be about.

Men are told they must be strong, they must dominate and they must be aggressive. There is often a fine line between this in a drug dealer and this in a church leader.

Many men are admired for their ability to manipulate women. Women admire their prowess with other women and decide that this is a man who must be worth something as he has so many other women after him.

They create this image of him in their minds, fuelled by all the expectations society creates in them, and this is coupled with their lessons in being women.

Women are taught, as men are taught, that women must submit and allow a man to dominate. That is not a natural occurrence. We are taught that women should stay at home and look after the family.

We have this Judeo Christian belief, in particular roles for women and men that come into sharp contrast with many other cultural realities. The leader of the pack can have a long line of women behind him, and while they all know it and accept it, once they are in a relationship with that leader, they cannot understand why he is this way.

When we teach girls that this is what you must expect, this is what you are good for, this is a good man, we teach them that they should like this man because he is a socially accepted, respected male. He exhibits characteristics that society values outwardly. He knows how to talk. He may have another reality underneath, and many understand this, but they are happy not to challenge that part.

The man with the nice clothes, the nice shoes and the nice car, who smells good, walks strong and demands respect is the man women are told they want.

If he pays for his wife to stay at home, no matter how much he beats her, she is told he is a good man. If he puts her in the hospital a few times, blacks up her eye, bruises her up, bites her, but provides for his family, she better stay with him, and the church as much as her family, in and out of the church, will tell her she would be a fool to leave.

So, what kind of man have we created? And what kind of woman have we created?

We have covered both ends of the spectrum – the man who leads his community through the word written in the Bible is as damaged as the man who leads his community through thuggery and illicit dealings.

They are both this iconic male created by society as the man every woman should lust after.

In Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s “Purple Hibiscus” we are shown this kind of character as he lives his public life as the greatest person anyone would want to know.

In his private life, though, he is worse than a thug. He embodies the kind of man women are told they want. They see these men in the church, they are like the leader of the church, they demonstrate all his qualities, and because women are attracted to the leader of the church, they are in love with the image they have of him. They go after who they see resembles him. He encourages this kind of match as it makes him feel good to know that he has that kind of power and influence.

The image of the alpha male as we create it comes back to haunt us and enact social havoc as we live it. We experience life as defined by a system of rules that are constructed to keep him in power and to oppress and suppress others. There can only be one dominant man or group in the community.

Women are encouraged to adore this man, they are expected to stay in an unfulfilling relationship with him, and despite his outward lustre, he is often abusive, womanising, sometimes exploiting children, who will put a woman in her place and keep her there (that is, the place that allows him to be king).

How damaged is this picture? Why do we continue to live this image when we know implicitly it is filled with flaws and a huge amount of suffering?

Alpha men are often destructive men to live with, but we cloak and encourage them.