The Tribune

By INigo ‘Naughty’ Zenicazelaya

Well, it was bound to happen. In a world that has given us infamous couples like Bennifer (Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez), Brennifer (Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston) and Brangelina (Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie), it was only a matter of time before we spawned our own super couple.

Enter Branetta.

Branetta, a portmanteau, is the nickname I’ve given to the political courtship of Branville McCartney and Loretta Butler-Turner now that the newly-minted Leader of Her Majesty’s Loyal Opposition, Mrs Butler-Turner, has hitched her wagon (of sorts) to the outspoken leader of the Democratic National Alliance (DNA).

Unlike the previous couples mentioned, I have no idea what to make of Branetta.

Branetta’s ‘hookup’ was unexpected. Branetta dated in secret, and it seems Branetta got married, whirlwind style, after only a date or two. And this is where Branetta starts to resemble the couples I mentioned above, because Branetta already seems headed for divorce.

In the few days since Mr McCartney has been given immediate relevance by securing a seat in the Senate thanks to an opposition appointment by Mrs Butler-Turner, the third party leader has taken full advantage; his profile has been lifted (even higher than his ego, if that’s possible) and he has been loud - very loud - in radio, television and newspaper interviews.

McCartney has warned all and sundry - namely the Free National Movement (FNM) - not to mess with ‘his gal’ or face his wrath. The FNM can easily become the third party, he cautioned, and as for Butler-Turner’s former political husband, FNM Leader Dr Hubert Minnis, well he should just resign his lousy self in shame, according to McCartney.

Now anyone who has ever been caught with a ‘sweetheart’ in this country knows how these situations play out. True to form, Dr Minnis (aka the jilted party) immediately moved to kick his ex-colleague out of their house. And just like a few other vengeful politicians we know, he has predictably tried to take back every single thing he has ever given his former partner; hence, this week, Butler-Turner’s Long Island nomination was rescinded by Dr Minnis.

Oh, boy.

There is a passage in the Bible that talks about couples who are unequally yoked. I get the feeling the Bible was talking about Branetta because, while this week has been great for Bran, it has been abysmal for Loretta.

What began well enough with a high-profile coronation on Sunday has turned sour for Butler-Turner, who now finds herself in political purgatory. Without a party machinery, how will she win her seat in Long Island next year? Without a seat, how can she possibly become Prime Minister?

In rescinding her FNM nomination in Long Island, Dr Minnis has gained temporary custody of the kids.

To make matters worse, Minnis (and the FNM) has begun selling off her assets, as it seems my colleague, Adrian Gibson, has already been tapped to get the sweet, ‘safe seat’ at a fire sale price. By the reaction on social media, Long Islanders, like friends who are forced to choose sides after a split, have apparently sided with the good doctor, and are ecstatic about Gibson’s potential candidacy.

Still, Branetta does have a card to play.

Loretta Butler-Turner can officially move to Bran’s house in the DNA. Except, his family doesn’t like her, which is painfully apparent from the strange but impassioned voice notes and comments floating around from ‘lifelong’ DNAs on Facebook. Plus McCartney’s best friend, DNA Deputy leader Chris Mortimer, doesn’t seem too impressed with her either, judging by the snarky ‘the leadership isn’t changing’ comments floating out of his camp this week as well.

So what about her political friends? Will the rest of the ‘7 Rebels’ follow her to the DNA if she went there? How would that affect the opposition caucus if they choose not to actually follow her? Let’s face it, Fort Charlotte MP Andre Rollins already seems tired of his latest group of ‘friends’. Even Dr Duane Sands, her champion in the last leadership showdown, seems to have resigned himself to parting ways with her.

Branetta (specifically the Loretta part) is in a pickle.

Can Mrs Butler-Turner fill those remaining opposition senate seats with FNMs? Would it be political suicide for an FNM to accept such a position? If she chose only DNAs for those posts then surely she would be done in the eyes of the FNM Council, right?

So many questions, so few answers from Branetta.

Meanwhile, Butler-Turner is stuck with McCartney. And all of the good ‘feelings’ from their unlikely courtship has given way to the reality of a tenuous future for her. Even if she wanted to dump him, she couldn’t. She has to hold it together now, if only to save face.

Which means, like the lesser celebrity in these matchups, McCartney is free to act tough and make hollow threats that may hurt her but can’t harm him. He can boast about being the “Senate Leader” (whatever that is) and talk all kinds of crazy about things she may not agree with. While she has to grin and bear it. Or (figuratively) slap some sense into him. Or move onto plan B.

Like I said, it’s quite a pickle.

For all the high-brow talk ofdeepening democracy, we now see a made-for-television divorce with all the drama, instrigue and cutthroat maneouvring of a political soap opera. With personal survival as the main goal.

If there’s one consolation for Mrs Butler-Turner, Bennifer, Brennifer and Brangelina (pending) all had wonderful (some say better) success after they untangled their names and parted ways. If Branetta doesn’t work out, I have a feeling that a solo Loretta will be fine. Er, just not in Long Island.

• Inigo ‘Naughty’ Zenicazelaya is the resident stand-up comic at Jokers Wild Comedy Club at the Atlantis, Paradise Island, resort and presents ‘Mischief and Mayhem in da AM’ from 6am to 10am, Monday to Friday, and ‘The Press Box’ sports talk show on Sunday from 10am to 1pm on KISS FM 96.1. He also writes a sports column in The Tribune on Tuesday. Comments and questions to naughty@tribunemedia.net