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Politicole: Christie’S Baha Mar Address - A Parody, In Dialect

By NICOLE BURROWS

My fellow Bahamians ... (game face on)...

We still gat da biggest resort in da Caribbean region! Don mind it can’t open yet.

But look here, it mussy jus too big fa real, ey? I mean, I t’aut dis was gon be easier dan dis. I t’aut dese fellas did know what dey was doin.

I t’aut dis was gon save my gov’ment by lettin y’all have some more lil hotel and casino jobs what y’all like so much. Ya know, we still need ya vote come 2017, an I know da way tings goin now, if I don make dis look good soon, da PLP finish come election time.

Dey keep tellin me da hotel soon finish, da hotel soon finish, but it look like it can’t never finish. It look like dese udda fellas jus don wan spend what dey need ta spend ta finish it.

See here; da developer is one man in one family. So, I tink we better stick wit da Chinese cuz dey gat plenty people and dere pocket can’t empty. So whedda or not da developer an dem decide dey could work dis out, we gatta make sure our Chinese boys gat dis in da end. Cuz when 2017 roll roun, we ga need plenty money ta buy da next election. We t’aut 2012 was bad. All a dem shirt roll up wit money in em, dat ain ga work dis time. Dese fellas’ll stone us if we talk bout 200 dollars an some rum an one fridge.

But anyway, back ta what I was sayin cuz sometimes I’s forget I’s da PM, or da Minister of Finance, or myself. And ya know I likes ta hear me talk. Ain nobody could talk good like me hey? Memba da las PM? He’s my boy, right, but he ain gat nuttin on me.

What I was sayin? Oh yeah. After all dat talk bout Baha Mar soon open, dese fellas was jokin. All dis while, all dis talk, talk, when I turn roun ... building stop. Boop. Work stop. Boop. Money stop. Developer fightin da Chinese bank, da Chinese builder, da Bahamas gov’ment. Ya tink he serious? Talkin bout he wan my help ta mediate, but fightin me and my gov’ment? How you gon pick fight wit da people who you need ta help you?

In all my illustrious, vociferous, pontiferous 42 years in Bahamian public life, ain no one ever try swing me like dis. And y’all rowin me talkin bout is my fault dis ting get so outta hand. How much tings y’all wan me do? I must fix crime, da economy, immigration, education, healtcare, housin ... y’all know I’s one man, right? And I know some a dese people I gat workin fa me pos ta help me, but dey on dey own run, I might as well tell ya. Ine ga lie. (Not bout dat). An I tired chasin after people ta get dem ta fall in line. You know how ole I is? How ole I is? (crickets)

Well anyway, I ain gone ta China cuz da AG tell me she wan go and she could handle it. Man, I say gone den. Dis her: “I wan go China, I wan go China.” In 2012, “I wan be AG, I wan be AG.” Here den, be AG. And go China. Das what I gatta deal wit. But I tell her, say whatever you need ta say ta dem in China ta keep da Chinese in da game. Cuz ya KNOW dey is our bread an butter. Xiexie. (side-eye).

Move over Haitian Creole, Mandarin comin ta da public school curriculum! Long as dey could move ta da Bahamas, dey ain gatta worry bout one chile per household. Needa pollution. We gat plenty clean islands, man, dey could spread out all over. Who ready ta move ta Rum Cay? Seven trillion dollar development on da way! More jobs fa Bahamians! No education required (da less da betta)! #teamRumCay #teamanchorresort #teamChina! I bet nuttin could solve da illegal immigration problem like a million Chinese.

But watch dis. Las ting I hear in June was Mr Developer need ta give more money ta finish da project an China Exim Bank was gon give half (dey gat plenty money!) so long as Mr Developer and China Construction tagedda give da next half. Next ting I know, lo an behold, outta da clear blue, cuz I had no idea, absolutely, none whatsoever, on dis green roun eart once believe ta be square, da developer come tell me say he file fa Chapter 11 bankruptcy in a US court in Delaware. You know how far Delaware is from da Bahamas? I can’t really tell you I saw dat comin. I can’t really tell you dat. (Well, I can but you know I can’t). You see, cuz I was of the view that the edification of the pontification of the ramification ... was a done deal. Then Mr Developer talk bout bringin his bankruptcy ta da Supreme Court a da Bahamas. Well hol up. Ya know we (my gov’ment, my Exim Bank, I mean China Exim Bank, and China State Construction) gatta stick tagedda, cuz ya know China gats plenty money man!

Well, da Supreme Court adjourn da bankruptcy matter. Ya know I does hold all da clocks, right? You move when I say move. (Mr Developer was mad, boy). Da plan was suppose ta be dat everyone need ta get dere tagedda, work it out an make magic happen so my legacy could be all seal up in dat big, beautiful beige building, Baha Mar. But between you an me, I did done see da developer wasn’t on my run, so I say “boy, you done did it now!” Pull da rug out from under my foot? My good shufflin foot? Da devil is a liar! Watch dis! Bam! Pre-empt, pre-empt, pre-empt! Triple pre-empt! Take dat. We pay da Bahamians before y’all, we leave da meetin in Beijing before y’all, and we petition ta wine y’all up before y’all Chapter 11 could even get a rulin in da Bahamas!

Now, as far as I concern, da Supreme Court a da Bahamas know da time. Ain I say I does hold all da clocks? I does hold all da cards too! Dey know I’s da boss, an if dey know wha’s best fa dem dey gon reject da developer an his Chapter 11 bankruptcy, an rule dat da Bahamas gov’ment ga wine up dese jokers right here on our Bahamian soil in dis here Bahamaland and let our Chinese friends take owa (dat one fa Hubbigity), cuz dey gat plenty money boy!

I hear some people already sip-sippin bout da executive interferin wit da judiciary, but y’all know who I is? I is da head n in charge my boy? I wan y’all know, y’all gimme dis power, I ain tief dis!

And yeah, we ga pay Baha Mar employees again, too, cuz I say so. Dey Bahamians ya know? Ya gatta be ya bruddas’ keeper in dese tryin times, praise be to thee. We can’t let 2,000 more people be broke ... 200,000 already broke. We gon get back dat money doh. I promise. (Side eye). Da Bahamian taxpayer will not be burden wit more taxes (not dat dey could tell da difference anyway. Pst ... Halkitis, jack up dat VAT ta 15 per cent one time ma brudda.

So listen. Me and China, we gat dis ting wrap up, ya hear? No need to fuss an fret. Mr Developer? Done. Gone. We finish wit dat. We finish wit dem. Ain no more love dere. Is us an China now, cuz boy, dey gat plenty money ya know?!

Lemme tell you, Baha Mar gettin finish by hook or crook. (Crook mostly). My name all tie up in dat. I know some people who gat ‘investments’ in Baha Mar and I don have no time ta be dealin wit dere drama if dey don get straight. You know, all a we is one. But I gatta look out fa my boys dem first. PLP, all da way! And oh yeah, we done know who ga help liquidate an restructure Baha Mar. Dontchoo worry bout dat. You ain ga be too, too surprise, I promise. (wink)

At da en a da day, Mr Developer ga be sorry he ever step foot in dis Bahamas. Let dis be a lesson ta all. Cuz we run tings! HNsIC! An don worry bout our sovereignty. Ain none really left no how. We sell out long time fa tourists an foreign investors. But don blame me. I jus works here.

China on erryting! Cha-ching!

Comments

mangogirl01 5 years, 2 months ago

Lmao! Spot on! Giril, you on point!!

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banker 5 years, 2 months ago

Bravo. Many comrades in this Bahamaland do not have the foresight, vision and intelligence that you demonstrate so visibly. Unfortunately, it is our generation who will be left with a wasteland long after the players in this drama have perished.

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sheeprunner12 5 years, 2 months ago

This is no parody ......... Perry actually talks like this ...... even when addressing foreign events

At 72, he has become a national embarrassment ........... he needs to RESIGN and RETIRE

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a2z 5 years, 2 months ago

I can't - stop - laughing, mannnnnnnn! This $h is frickin hilarious! Dis need to be on da Dundas stage!!
5 stars for Miss Nicole!

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