The Tribune

By JEFFARAH GIBSON

Tribune Features Writer

jgibson@tribunemedia.net

SOME storms in relationships can be weathered, however when it comes to unions marred by domestic violence a mandatory evacuation is what a local clinical psychologist orders.

Dr Harry Ferere has studied domestic violence for decades and seen the same patterns play out over and over again - a relationship that once began with the exhilarating feeling of love metamorphosis to an unyielding feeling of hatred. Yet the dysfunction and volatility is not enough for some recipients of abuse to flee.

Dr Ferere hails from the Ivory Coast and in his studies specialized in the behavior of batterers. He was trained at Nova University in the United States, where he worked to treat abusers.

What he has always found at the root of violent behavior among perpetrators is the need to exert control over another person. As for the victims, they give up their power and lose control of their own lives.

In 1993, when there were no real programs in the Bahamas at the time - specifically for men who have been violent - Dr Ferere introduced the Cognitive Behavioural Programme.

While the program is geared towards abusive men, he believes their victims can benefit from the skills the program has to offer, helping them identify controlling behavior from the onset and take back their power.

During the 26-week programme which is sponsored by the Catholic Archdiocese with weekly meetings on Mondays from 6pm to 7.30pm, participants are taught various skills they apply to their lives which begins with changing their way of thinking and learning to take control of their emotions.

"Domestic violence is all about power and control and in many cases it starts off subtly," Dr Ferere told Tribune Woman.

"The control can be as simple as controlling what a person is going to wear or how they wear their hair. For instance, a woman might wear her hair in a style that her partner does not like. He may tell her 'I don't like the way your hair looks'. The woman who decides to change her hairstyle because of what her partner feels gives up her power," he said.

Dr Ferere said in most cases there are always signs that indicate a relationship will be problematic and even abusive.

"You may have a couple for example, who decide that they don't need two cars. So the one who wants to be in control says 'why don't you sell your car and we go in mine?'," he said.

"Now when it starts it's great. They are in the car talking, they are so in love, they are holding hands and the time just goes by. Then one day one of the partners picks the other up late. They are furious and says 'Don't let it happen again'. Or the other partner has to stay back at work and is being accused of sleeping with their boss. What seemed initially to be a good idea and was supposed to benefit them both, turns out to be a controlling move and that is how it starts," he said.

When it comes to psychological abuse both male and female are equal. However, when it comes to sexual and physical abuse men are overly represented, Dr Ferere said.

Abuse is always back and forth "so even the people who are identified as the recipient in their own ways have been abusive themselves", he said.

One of the not so obvious reasons women tend to hang around in abusive relationships is because they are what Dr Ferere describes as 'long-suffering'.

"Women take on a lot and they have been socialized like this from the home. They are taught to be caretakers of everyone and make sure things are going smoothly in the home and they grow up with that. Their threshold for pain is much higher, but the more they take the weaker they become," he said.

And even in the face of dysfunction, and the signs to leave everywhere Dr Ferere said he has encountered women who simply make excuses for their perpetrator's behavior.

"The reason the recipient would remain is because they have taken responsibility of their loved ones behavior. They say things like 'I made them do this and that', 'he didn't mean it', 'he is under a lot of pressure," he said.

This is why the Dr Ferere said the program is designed to teach participants how to control their own selves, their own lives and their actions and not use others as a scape goat. In the case of the victim they can learn they have the power to choose to be in a situation, and learn not to take responsibility for the actions of others.

"If you give this person a blank cheque by accepting responsibility for their behavior, they will continue acting like idiots. Why would they stop?" he asked.