The Tribune

By INIGO 'NAUGHTY' ZENICAZELAYA

I’VE long said that the barbershop is the last bastion of free speech.

Once again my weekly trip to the barber didn’t disappoint, it provided some great banter, and tons of laughter, on a wide array of topics.

A welcome respite, no matter how brief, from the cloud of depression hovering over the islands, post Hurricane Dorian.

I don’t know how it came up, but the subject of marriage popped up, and boy did the flood gates open.

The shop was packed, (everybody was praying for no BPL shenanigans) and the wait was long, so what better way to kill time at the barbershop than to strike up a conversation with a controversial topic.

The topic of the day, marriage, brought out some extremely funny stories and responses. So much so, I had to share a few, hopefully they will put a smile on your face, and let you escape, life post Dorian for a minute.

As soon as the topic arose, “Buck” (using aliases to protect the innocent) a veteran in the marriage game, an accountant by trade and proud Toastmaster, offered up this humorous tale, to the shop, about a extremely nagging wife.

SHE COULD NAG

Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife came home and saw him she fainted.

Apparently on hearing a disturbance their neighbour came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place.

As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr Fen kicked her square in the backside. This so surprised the neighbour that she dropped dead of a massive heart attack.

(We can confirm that Mr Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his wife have been reconciled).

HUSBAND HUMOUR

I’ve come to realise, through painful experience, that in a relationship, one person is always right, and the other is usually the husband.

Here’s one courtesy of one of my favourite comedians to work with, both locally and abroad, Mr. Mark Klein.

He shared this story years ago, when we were working the road together, on the long ride from Naples, Florida, to Atlanta, Georgia.

Apparently, when their lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, his wife kept hinting to him that he should get it fixed.

Somehow he always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, email, golf, there was always something more important to him.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When he arrived home one day after a long road trip, he found his wife seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

When he came back out again, he handed her a toothbrush, boldly stating: “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.’’

Luckily the doctors were able to save his life and leg, and I guess that explains the obvious limp he’s always had!

In between haircuts, my barber, Leon, offered this nugget about the evolution of a marriage over the years. (I must admit, it had me rolling with laughter).

MARRIAGE OVER THE YEARS

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

When I finished with my haircut, I stopped by to see my Dad, and upon learning where I had come from and what the topic of the day was, he shared an old Spanish joke with me, which I’m also adding to my collection. Thanks dad!

MARRIAGE MADE IN HEAVEN

An elderly Spanish man lay dying in his bed.

While preparing for impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite Spanish galletas, (cookies) wafting up the stairs.

Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, with both hands he crawled downstairs.

Gasping, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen.

There on the table immaculately prepared, were his favourite galletas, literally hundreds of them.

Is this heaven?

Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Spanish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture.

The wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

He needed another, he reached his aged and withered hand toward a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife..... ‘Back off!’ she said, ‘they’re for the funeral.’

In closing I will leave you with a classic quote from legendary funny man, the late Rodney Dangerfield. (I can’t pen a piece about marriage, without a quote from Rodney).

“They say that marriage is like a deck of cards, you start out with two hearts and a diamond, and end up with a club and a spade.”

Until next week, live, love, laugh Bahamas, and stay married in the process.