The Tribune

The holidays are quickly approaching and we are all preparing in different ways. For the past few weeks, traffic has gotten heavier and it has taken more planning and time to get from one place to the next. Though, for many people, financial resources are quite limited, money is being spent. People are buying gifts, yes, but also decorations and food that make it feel like a festive season, even as the pandemic continues and impacts our lives every day. Some are pretending there is no pandemic, some are taking every precaution possible, and most are somewhere in the middle, trying to find a balance between safe and normal. Everyone is trying to find ways to cope.

The holiday season is always complicated for people in difficult situations, whether they are unemployed, in unhealthy relationships, struggling with mental health issues, practicing faiths that are generally not recognised, or separated from their loved ones. It is not a period of joy, peace and comfort for everyone. There are people we engage daily who are trying to figure out how they will get through this month, but they are overlooked, assumed to be okay.

We may think, for example, of children in the children’s homes, and organize to get gifts to them so they can experience the joy of receiving during the season. We may consider the people who benefit from soup kitchens and give a little extra to the organisers, or even show up to serve or distribute extra goodies. This is great and we need to continue to think of people in situations of vulnerability and their specific needs. They deserve care and attention, as well as systems that work, year-round.

We need to also think about the people around us every day — those who may never tell us what they are going through, so we assume they are just like us. The person who rushes out the door right at five o’clock to their partner waiting in the car, the cousin who makes herself busy for the duration of any family gathering, the children who refuse to separate from their siblings and the landscaper who is happy to help set up the tent, tables and chairs and disappear until it is time to pack it all away. These people, easy to overlook, may be the ones who are paying special attention to what we do or say, or even need us to pay attention to them.

Mind your own money

The topics of traffic and spending come up around this time of year, often tied together. “Why all this traffic on the road?” “Where are these people going?” “I thought everybody was broke, but they spending money!” “You should see these people grocery carts! Full! But ain’ gat no money!” There is no telling what people are doing on the road. Some, of course, are shopping and making preparations for the holidays. Some are just trying to get to and from work, shuttling children to grandparents’ homes, paying bills and making the most of time off. Some are the workers who make the festivities happen for the rest of us, so they are on the road collecting supplies and making deliveries.

There is a way we talk about spending money that frames it as a privilege for the rich and a shameful act for those experiencing poverty or living pay check to pay check. It is as though they do not deserve anything nice, or they do not need to, in some cases, spend money to make money. There are many jobs that require, for example make-up and well-manicured nails. Even if it is not explicitly stated, people in the service industry, especially working for tips, cannot expect higher earnings or promotions without putting significant time and some amount of money into their appearance. It is often view as vanity, as frivolous, and as an irresponsible use of money, but it is necessary for some. Should it be this way? No. Still, here we are. That aside, it is sometimes nice to simply have something that’s beyond necessities. Challenge yourself to let people have nice things in peace. There is no need to shame anyone for having a nice wig while catching the bus, or a brand name wallet when you assume there is no money in it. Whatever your opinion, you manage your money, and they will manage theirs.

Gatherings and boundaries

If you decide to gather with family members and friends, try to pay attention to what is and is not happening. The past 21 months have been challenging and most of us have found coping mechanisms. Not all of them are healthy. Most of us have endured and adapted to deal with drastic changes in our circumstances and become skilled at hiding our struggles.

It is important that we do not make assumptions and aim to be kind in our speech and empathetic as we listen to others. When someone shares their negative experiences, resist the urge to one-up them or quiet them to keep things light. Acknowledge that they had to deal with something difficult. Be grateful they have been able to push through, and/or offer to help them find any resources they may need. Thank them for sharing. Do not share their story with others without their permission or put them in a position where they have to retell, explain, or be publicly embarrassed.

As the pandemic continues, remember people are handling it differently and we are at different levels of risk. Some people may opt out of gatherings to protect their health and control anxiety. Some may choose to show up early and leave early, or to arrive late and stay for a short time. They may want to limit exposure by being there when there are less people. Do not think of this as an insult, but as a compromise they have made in order to spend time with you. They do not have to show up at all.

Protecting children

One of the things many people look forward to during the holidays is seeing people they have not seen in a long time, especially children. It is always nice to observe their growth and the development of their personalities. Remember that children are people too.

Yes, you love your nieces and nephews and have formed a certain kind of relationship with them in your head, but if they are very young and/or have not seen you in a long time, they may simply not know or recognize you. They may not be inclined to smile at you, sit on your lap, or follow you anywhere, regardless of how exciting you think it may be. Respect their boundaries and prioritise their feeling of safety, not your desire to be liked and accommodated by them.

Parents, remember that teaching your children that they have bodily autonomy is important - and it starts at a young age. Do not force them to hug or kiss anyone. Understand children respond differently to strangers and people they do not often see, so do not compare them. Your job is not to make other people happy by subjecting your children to their wishes, but to keep your children safe and feeling safe. The latter is just as important as the former. They need to know they can trust you, and that it is not okay to be forced to put someone’s feelings ahead of their own because they are in a position of authority.

Setting boundaries

For those who are having a difficult time, do your best to focus on the things you can control. If you can avoid unnecessarily uncomfortable situations, do that. Prioritise your wellness rather than other people’s feelings or dedication to tradition. If you do not want to attend gatherings or can only manage to spend a short time, allow yourself to make those decisions. If you can, identify an ally. This person can interrupt anyone putting pressure on you to do things you do not want to do. When you say you are ready to leave, they can facilitate your departure in various ways including drawing attention to themselves so you can leave, matching the energy of the people trying to stop you, whether in volume, attitude, or word choice, and walking you to the car. This person could also be on the lookout for signs of distress, remind you of your commitment to yourself, and encourage you to take care of yourself. It tends to be easier to do what you need to do when you have support.

For many of us, it will be the first time being with more than ten family members at a time. We have gone through changes in finances, relationships, weight and many other aspects of our lives. There is no need to discuss these things outside of our personal experiences. There is no need to point fingers or talk about other people’s lives. There is no need to tell anyone about their own difficulties. We do, however, need to prepare for the times when other people step out of line. Know how you will tell people that they are being inappropriate and it will not be tolerated. Know when you have had enough. Be prepared to support someone else if they need it. If we are going to be together, let it be in peace. If that does not seem possible, it is okay to opt out.

We have a little over one week to envision happy holidays and plan for them with intention. Do it with joy in mind.